Updated: Aug 24
Being single, especially in your 30's has it's total UPS and total downs. I'm not sure about you, but for me- I just feel completely tired and just over all this "trying" crap.
As a freelancer/entrepreneur that's all I do. Try. Learn. Figure out different types of skills, apply most off said skills no where, only to my direct business which is great and all, but I'm tired. And not just tired.
I'm angry. Full of Rage. I'm rage-e-r now then I was when I was in American Idiot... I've been for a while, but at this point I feel like I'm losing myself over hereeeee.
-- I mean how many self help books can one person read to know..,
"...it's about the peace you find within".
"Cherish and fuel your bodyyyyyy. It's the capsule that we've been given in this world and we must nurture it to it's fullest."
"Sometimes you just need a good cry, and then you will bounce back stronger than before".
"It's okay not to be okay". <--- I actually do agree with this one as I'm NOT okay, so yeah- it's obviously okay to not be okay.
--------> Fun fact: I've never completely read an entire self-help book from beginning to end but I already KNOW and understand what it will tell me. And that's because of another one of my "many helpful and useful skills I've acquired" in my lifetime (said in an undertone of sarcasm);
e m o t I o n a l I n t e l l I g e n c e.
Well how does being emotionally intelligent help me when only like 10% of people IN THIS WORLD .... have--- HIGH emotional intelligence.
According to Wikipedia "Emotional intelligence (EI) is most often defined as the ability to perceive, use, understand and manage emotions. People with high emotional intelligence can recognize their own emotions and those of others, use emotional information to guide thinking and behavior, discern between different feelings and label them appropriately, and adjust emotions to adapt to environments."
Now I'm not saying that I have this gift of high emotional intelligence and I am belittling others who do not or are not aware of EI. That's not what I'm saying at all. But if you look at my life, and if you know me at all or read any of my past blogs, my higher frequency of EI has helped me create a Social Emotional Program for kids because I am an advocate and understand Mental Health issues-- Which is why I am 90% sure I will be enrolling in a Masters of Psychology program by the fall... But that is besides the point, and not the reason behind this article.
This now LEADS me to the W H Y of this particular blog.
Okay, so yeah I've obvi heard of gaslighting before, but being in an 8 year Common Law Marriage with the Ex Husband, I was never privy to this. So please, if you can, take a moment to think about GL, then perhaps YOU may be able to enlighten ME on a few things...
Check out my story below... (written in a very sarcastic manner, so when reading this to yourself, make sure you add a lot of sass. K? mmmmk.)
1) You like someone, which doesn't happen often, and they like you too! WOOHOO. And to make sure you aren't making things up in your head, thankfully the liking is pretty evident and has been for a while, especially when that person is in close proximity with you on the neighborhood reg.
2) Okay, so the person has a GF-- gross, w.e, so you know it can't or shouldn't really grow past a friendship, but through continued bantar & talking, and to use a quick analogy, like talking to basic plants, the plant then starts to grow and becomes more lively. Duh. #commonsense
3) Through sober and not so sober interactions, lines eventually get crossed (nothing BIG or BAD) but feelings have then been shared. Feelings that really do or did seem "true". HAHA "Trueeeee". haha
4) However, suddenly the person begins to grow a conscious, (never a good thing) and to sum up past interactions, says that he was never planning on leaving the gf, though unhappy, thinks he should just "ride things out" and basically just dismissing any and all feelings as "cute".
5) I'm sorry but.. WT ACTUAL F???... Is this how people treat others these days? Riding things out? Belittling said feelings and disregarding them because it's easier for THAT person to cope and feel better about themselves? Because if it is, I want NOOOOOO part in any of these childish behaviors. I know there have to be SOME good men out there? I mean, there's been 17 seasons of the bachelorette which = romance ? which = gentleman like behaviors ? which = husband like material?? Notice how I have question marks after these statements.
6) And to make things even more annoying, every time I start to feel "OVER" this said situation, and the shittiness of it, I'm brought back into HS drama again by 'friends' who don't truly see the damage of gaslighting, or just can't fully understand how someone can act like this to others in the first place.. So now, not only have I been gaslit and felt "Crazy" by the guy, now I'm feeling "crazyyy" by my "friend" and that there is something wrong with ME.
So, now that you are in the know of my story, follow up questions are of course needed. Like, how do we as women allow ourselves, and sure yes this could happen to men as well but right now I'm addressing my gurlzzz out there... HOLLAAAA at ya gurl ladiesssss!
1) How and why do we allow ourselves to fall victim to the man-child?
2) Why am I even concerning myself with the validation of men, when I should be working on myself and myself alone?
3) Working on myself-- UGHHHH!!! as humans we are always working on ourselves, and as women we are always working THAT much harder to prove to others that we are strong, just as strong as the strongest man.
4) Can one thing in life just be less work for once?? --- But the journey TOBES, the journeyyyyy!.. IT'S ALWAYS ABOUT THE FRIGGEN JOURNEY. But journey's are not fun, inspiring or empowering when you constantly have to keep watering those plants, so that they don't DIE!!!!!! --- Yes I'm back to the plant analogy, but you must admit, it works well. And I mean after all, they DO make those watering globes to ease the struggle of constantly remembering to water them, and then there are even some plants that don't require water at all. WHY CAN'T I BE ONE OF THOSE GOD DAMN AIR PLANTS?
5) and why, whyyyyyyyyyyyy-- do women still intentionally or unintentionally hurt other women? We need to be picking each other up, especially when you know someone might really be down, and in need of just pure friendship at the moment. I myself through these growing times fell into the hole of needing validation over listening to what a girlfriend of mine truly needed. It was the result of seeing my Common Law Ex Husband for the first time in 7 months. I was pretending to be all strong and not caring, but deep down it triggered a very hungry alcoholic monster in me haha...
That night then turned into a shitty situation pretty quickly for my friend, but after talking it over with her, I obviously owned up for what I did and how I acted and how I made HER feel-- which unfortunately a lot of people can't do because they are not "aware" of all the emotions in play. ANDDDDD lastly, while we are still on this same topic--- people reallyyy need to learn to remember, to trust in your friend when someone says to you,
"Listen, you weren't there, you didn't see or hear how that person made me feel at the time. It was real, and it's frustrating for them to shut things down, when things ARE and DID feel VERY REAL and it's frustrating and you clearly do not have my back if you are now questioning-- ME."
So Readers-- unless your friend was in the room when conversations between you and the person in mention were addressing feelings A) as your "friend" do not pick sides because you do not know what happens behind closed doors, and B) certainly DO NOT, and I repeat do NOT pick the side of the GUY or suddenly become close FRIENDS with them when you knowwww damn well he's treated your friend poorly... and probably treats all women like this. #womensticktogether
So yes, this turned into a bit of a rant...
--but as I mentioned earlier, I don't feel like myself and I'm really pissed about it. I'm angry, I'm full of rage and I feel like I am sucking as a friend to those in my circle (love to you all-- you know who you are) and sucking in life because of how down I feel....AND THIS IS NOT ME... And as bad as I may be about confrontation in the heat of the moment, and saying what's completely on my mind (something I am trying to continually work on) <--- see again? WORK--- onnnnnnn.... My emotional intelligence tells me that I"m above this childish crap and I will eventually be okay with or without these people-- but like great, so what? What's left? What do I do in the now? How do I find the balance I need in my life and help my heart heal, feel centered again, and feel not so completely broken?
Well, I guess when I figure that out, I'll tell you all IMMEDIATELY in another blog. But until then---
1) F*CK Gaslighting 2) I truly pity the fool who tries that crap on me next -- I PITTY THE FOOL I tell ya 3) a big cry while writing this did help.... ew- w/e. and 4) Men-- don't even THINK about making a move on me like the one below, unless you effing mean it and can follow through.
" I want to be seen.
I want to be heard.
I want to be loved,
and I want to be valued for my worth."
-thatgirltobi Check out my original song above. -"Can't Control Me". A song I wrote when I was
feeling down, during another time
in my life... Perhaps it'll help you
the way it helped me back then!
As always, THANK YOU READERS for following me and keeping up with my journey of healing.
I wish you Peace, I wish you Love, and
I wish you rage-y moments followed by more love<3333